An insane year where I learned a lot about myself and those I was surrounded with.

January through May was by far one of the most challenging months when it comes to finding out who your true friends are and who backstabs you. People you would think wouldn’t hurt you did so. It’s one of the moments where you see the true colors of how somebody feels behind your back.

Although it was something I was dealing with, I also found more solitude time for myself and focused more on what I needed to do and get done. That succeeded really well. I also continued to practice makeup even more just because I wanted to branch out when it comes to doing looks. Looking back through it, it made me realize how much makeup can be therapeutic. It leaves such a calm and relaxed feeling. I started to do a lot bolder, colorful looks and the majority of the time, they came out a lot better than I expected. Another thing I’ve done ridiculously is writing, especially throughout the months where I was struggling the most. It helped me release all of the feelings I felt and that ended up me sharing some of that within my poetry class where we had workshops throughout the quarter. I felt bad most of the time because I wrote a lot of heartbreaking things because I was just going through it. They understood completely and gave me props if anything. It showed that the people within my major are super supportive. I also went to counseling, which extremely helped and I love my therapist, she was such a major help in my life (I still check in with her to this day).

Yet, with all the positive things that were helping me, the people who hurt me wasn’t over what happened. Mainly because they think it’s still my fault but I also had the right to be mad and feel what I felt.

At that moment, I went in to talk to somebody new way before they tried to “confront” me when I could care less. It was pointless and a waste of time the more I thought about it.

June up to now has been the best months of my life. I found somebody who sees more of me than what I see in myself. Been together for 6 (about to be 7 on New Years) months and he has helped me continue to grow as a person. Being published in a literary magazine was something major in my life because of the non-stop writing I’ve had to do. It was a super proud moment for me that I’ll always remember. Going to a convention that made me get out of my comfort zone more in what I want to do. Spending more time with family and those close friends. Going MIA throughout summer for myself and my being and it was much needed.

Even though June up to now was amazing, October and November hit extremely rough patches. I lost a good friend of mine at the beginning of October and it hit extremely hard. She was always hard-working in everything she did. She was absolutely hilarious and always a joy to be around. She was going through so much that nobody, not even my worse enemies should ever go through. It’s still a blur even thinking about it. November, I lost someone who was my second mom. She saw me grow up from when I was little up to now, soon to be a college graduate. She has helped my family in many ways possible. It’s still a shock to me honestly and it’s been hard to cope with all of this.

Death has been something I’ve experienced a LOT this year so it’s been nothing but never-ending grief. Yet, there have been genuine people in my life who have been there for me through thick and thin and I appreciate them with all of my heart.

Dealing with disappointments of hard work not being noticed but I’ve come to the realization that it’s the true ones who’ll recognize how much you go hard in what you do. Favoritism is always a shitty feeling but it made me realize to not stop what I’m doing because something ended up being different. Continue going at it and flourish.

Even though a lot of negative people have tried it this year too, that didn’t stop me from the bigger goal I want to achieve. Not only to be happy but to graduate university with my Bachelor's degree. The fact I’m closer to those goals is a surreal feeling.

One thing is that I do not regret dropping the people who gave me no substance out of my life. They were in my life for a reason, some come and go, some are permanent. It’s great to keep a small circle of friends because some think they know you well, but in reality, they don’t.

It made me into the person where if you do me the wrong way (depending on the situation), then bye. Harsh but that’s how I feel, after dealing with nothing but hurt, that’s the best way I deal with people like that in my life.

2019 made me realize about my mental and emotional state mostly. People who damage those shouldn’t even be in your life. It’s something you don’t need. I lost a lot of trust in people this year and now almost at New Year's Eve, I’m slowly but surely gaining that trust back. You can’t please others but please yourself.

I am absolutely excited for 2020 and what it has in store for me.

2019, you were a handful but it was a good year regardless. 2020, bring it on.

Recent university graduate who enjoys writing poetry and fiction. Author of three books. https://www.amazon.com/Denise-Kollock/e/B018H22OGA/ref=dp_byline_cont_p